Recently I watched my nephew tell his father, in the midst of an argument, “You don’t see it the way I see it, and I don’t see it the way you see it.” Then he took some deep breaths to compose himself and changed the subject. He had realized that he was not going to convince his father of his point of view. He knew how to stop arguing before he started accusing his father of stupidity or unfairness, but he didn’t know how to resolve the issue at the heart of the argument. I internally applauded his maturity, but felt somewhat sad that there couldn’t be a next step, with each side being willing to take the other’s perspective, leading to a search for common ground and compromise.

It seems to me that our nation is in the midst of a number of arguments where we have taken sides against each other. Now our need to be right is making us angry. Each side is trying to bully the other side into submission, and the uglier it gets, the more entrenched we become in our positions. Demeaning those who don’t agree with us doesn’t convince our opponents to see things our way. We oversimplify issues instead of seeking common ground from which we could make progress toward compromise.

We need to work together to resolve serious issues, such as: what roles government should play in the lives of our people, how to achieve justice for all Americans, how to keep our children safe and healthy, how to educate our population to be effective citizens in a participatory democracy, how to respond to environmental degradation, how to manage the effects of rapidly changing technology on work and leisure, what role America should play on the world stage. Instead, we languish in shouting matches with each side accusing the other of morally reprehensible behavior.

So long as we remain polarized, we will remain angry, feeling alternately powerless and powerful, with no real national wisdom or compromise possible. If we are truly “the land of the free and the home of the brave,” we should be able to have difficult conversations without trying to win our point by insulting each other. The government of a democracy represents the people of that democracy, and our people are pitted against each other. The promise of America is diminished by the mob mentality of making us “for” or “against” simplistic versions of complicated issues.

As a school teacher, I recommend cooperative problem-solving, not bullying or vicious competition. I recommend thoughtful listening and reflection before making pronouncements or taking critical decisions. I recommend taking personal responsibility and voting for someone who can work effectively with others to tackle the serious questions facing our country.

May can be a whirlwind in a school. The weather reminds teachers and students alike that summer break is coming. Culminating events are crowded into the calendar, all of which require public performance, heightening competition and stress. Teachers have reached the saturation point with that particular student in third period who constantly interrupts, the teacher down the hall whose students seem to be hanging from the chandelier, and the parent who complains no matter how hard the teacher tries to meet the parent’s demands. Final tests loom ominously, as teachers take their students’ progress seriously and know that student performance reflects on their own performance. Often teachers find themselves in conflict with other teachers especially in May, which can derail a school community, specifically student culture, as students pick up on teacher-to-teacher conflict and feed it for entertainment. Exhausted teachers have trouble following the first rule of school: Don’t take it personally!

What usually happens when a teacher is annoyed or concerned about a colleague’s behavior is gossip. Most teachers are conflict averse, and so if they’re angry, they often share their anger with someone other than the one to whom it should be directed. They find a sympathetic colleague, or worse, a sympathetic parent or student, and vent. They lose their temper with a class that is particularly silly or seemingly unconcerned about the academic business of school. They get depressed and mope about, feeling like failures. None of these are particularly effective responses, although they are quite frequent, especially in May.

An alternative, which requires courage and self-awareness, is for the angry teacher to calm down, and then go to the teacher whose behavior upsets them and ask for a private conversation. Schedule a meeting – a cup of coffee, a lunch, a conference after school – don’t do it on the fly. Tell the colleague that you want their perspective on something. At the meeting, the teacher who is upset should first thank the colleague for meeting, then state the common goal that they share – working for the good of the children. The teacher then calmly states the behavior that is upsetting him or her, and how that behavior makes him or her feel. For example: I know that you and I are both dedicated to doing what’s best for children, and I want us to work together to accomplish that. It seems like our parameters for classroom behavior are different, and sometimes that makes me angry. I feel like my efforts to keep my students on track are wasted if my students can interrupt or socialize in your class, but not in mine. How can we collaborate to make sure that our classroom expectations are in sync? Then listen. Really listen. You may find that your colleague is struggling and needs your help. Or you may find that your colleague doesn’t want to work with you, in which case you should go to your supervisor.

Legacy International’s program LivingSideBySide® offers teacher professional development that will develop the skills necessary to improve teacher to teacher communication, as well as the skills teachers need to manage a classroom effectively and to develop appropriate, respectful relationships with students. Check their website for additional information: http://www.legacyintl.org/livingsidebyside/

Social status is a fraught topic for humans. We each seek some assurance that we have sufficient social power to be respected. The dilemma of social status begins early in life, but becomes acute with the onset of puberty, as children begin to see themselves as individuals separate from their parents.

In middle school, a variety of factors may determine each student’s perceived social status. For boys, early height, athletic prowess, and the ability to make others laugh are often routes to social power. For girls, early breast development, up-to-date fashion sense, and the ability to say nice things while still excluding others can convey social power. For both sexes, wealth and early physical maturation can raise status; as may the capacity to acquire followers. In some schools, acceleration in math class can raise social status. Strong social emotional skills help children navigate their societal demands.

How can teachers help address the effects of social status on students’ well-being? First of all, teachers must recognize that a student’s perceived social status is of significant importance to a young adolescent. Not having a desired status can consume a student’s mental and emotional energy, leading to lack of attention and participation in class. Students with the lowest status are often victims of mean teasing and many have very low self-esteem – if they don’t conform to cultural standards or don’t live in the “right” neighborhood or do have unusual physical or vocal attributes, others may begin to peck them to death, just like chickens in a barnyard.

Teachers must observe carefully to notice a student who may be suffering, as students will not usually willingly admit social discomfort. Whenever a teacher perceives behavior that may be unkind, an immediate intervention – labeling the language or action as appearing unkind and ignoring the inevitable response that it was only a joke, and then restating that the behavior appeared unkind and must stop – is always helpful to the student who needs an ally. Even better is if another student acts as an ally in this way. Sometimes teachers can enlist the help of students who have well-developed compassion to serve as an ally for a student who is suffering from mean teasing.

At the same time, teachers can talk with students about the difference between popularity and friendship. Most young adolescents crave popularity, which is closely aligned with social status and social power. Unfortunately, popularity can be evanescent, ever-changing, and ultimately painful. Friendship is something entirely different – a relationship with someone who appreciates you and shares a common interest, a relationship with someone who stands up for you and respects you. A student who has one close friend is much more likely to be socially resilient than a student who is in the popular crowd but has no close friends.

Teachers themselves must not be trapped by believing that the students with the most social power are always “nice.” Often socially powerful students are adept at appearing to be caring citizens while being observed by adults, while wielding their power in unkind ways in the world of children, a parallel world that is hidden right under the adults’ noses. Teachers must make an effort not to have their vision of their students’ social world clouded by flattery from socially adept and powerful children. Students who have low social status often remark that others are mean to them right in front of teachers and that the teachers do nothing to stop them. The reality is that the teachers may not even perceive it. When teachers improve their general self-awareness they are more likely to have an accurate picture of the social structure of their students’ world and are more able to intervene effectively.

Legacy International’s LivingSideBySide® program of teacher training offers teachers expanded self-awareness, as well as activities to use with students to increase student self-awareness and social resilience. For more information, visit http://www.legacyintl.org/livingsidebyside/

How can we each contribute to a more positive, unified America that works together for the good of all Americans? We must seek what we share, find common ground. What do we all value? I suggest that we value kindness, honesty and health.

We value kindness and honesty because they are qualities that create trust. If I show you kindness, and I don’t try to trick or cheat you, you are more likely to trust me. When you trust me and I trust you, we can develop a relationship that will bring us each understanding and support. We value health because without it, we suffer. To be physically healthy we need adequate water, food, sleep, movement, and shelter. To be mentally healthy we need close relationships with others to provide understanding and support. To be spiritually healthy we need the freedom and time to connect with whatever nurtures our soul.

Parents and teachers seek these qualities for children. They seek to treat children with kindness and honesty. They seek to teach children to be kind and honest. They seek to provide children with what they need for health. They also seek to teach children many other things, but no parent or teacher I have ever met hoped for children to be mean or dishonest or unhealthy.

If we agree that we value kindness, honesty and health, then we can work to model those qualities for each other and for children. We can argue about how best to achieve those qualities, but we will not hate each other for seeking those things. We can agree that we wish for all Americans to share these qualities, regardless of their many cultural differences.

What is the best way to create an inclusive school culture? How can a school leader promote a feeling of belonging for everyone in that school community: from the dyslexic second grader to the sole African-American in sixth grade, from the student whose parents speak Chinese at home to the divorced teacher trying to raise three children on one teacher’s salary, from the part-time worker in the cafeteria who struggles to pay his bills and has to work two jobs to do so to the elegantly dressed tutor who can afford to work part-time? Each child and adult in a school community has a different story to tell. Each one longs for connection, validation, affirmation.

Teachers strive to create classrooms where children feel valued and safe. One of the ways they do this is by building individual relationships with each of their students. To do this is much easier when their students have much in common with their teachers. White middle-class teachers understand white middle-class children more easily than they understand children with different physical features and different backgrounds, because they have more in common with them in terms of life experience, culture, and manners. Similarly, teachers who did well in school relate more easily to students who are doing well in school, just as teachers who struggled in school relate more easily to students who are struggling. Teachers who recognize this know that they must work harder to understand and connect with children who have less in common with them.

Unfortunately, not all teachers realize that children who are different from them in some way need more understanding. Some teachers unconsciously equate difference with something lacking in the child or the child’s family. If they start a relationship with a child from a sense or belief that they are somehow better than that child, it is difficult for that relationship to result in the child feeling valued and safe. When a school leader recognizes that some teachers devalue children unintentionally because those children are different in some way, he or she seeks ways to address that, especially if the goal is to have an inclusive school community. School leaders are in a uniquely powerful position because they can bring learning to teachers. They can bring training to their schools to help teachers and staff to recognize their unconscious judgments and learn ways to overcome these biases.

One teacher training program that is highly effective in giving teachers deeper awareness of their own attitudes toward others’ differences, while offering techniques for addressing these attitudes in positive ways that breed positive outcomes, is LivingSideBySide®, a training program offered by Legacy International. For further information, visit  www.legacyintl.org/livingsidebyside

Teachers who grew up and began teaching as members of the dominant American culture may have an idea that students should respect them simply because they are teachers, and “teachers deserve respect.” As educational practices move toward students having and taking more responsibility for their learning, and away from the teacher being the holder of all knowledge; and, as American culture moves toward including the presence and contributions of many cultures in addition to the dominant culture, respect has taken on a slightly different meaning. Students will show respect to teachers whom they trust. Students will show respect to teachers who show them respect. This requires a shift in teacher thinking, from an expectation of compliance and blind obedience, to an expectation that the teacher build trusting, respectful relationships with all of their students, whether they come from the teacher’s culture or not. This is part of what it means to live and work in a multicultural society.

Simultaneously, teachers must work together, respectfully and collaboratively, to ensure that their expectations for student behavior are consistent from classroom to classroom. If the responsibility of the teachers in any school is to create a safe learning environment, they must work together to create consistency of expectations for behavior — otherwise, students must navigate many different sets of expectations throughout the day, which is difficult and unsettling. Lack of consistent expectations for students leads to conflict among teachers, as students compare different teachers’ expectations and play teachers against each other. Teachers grow angry, hearing of student behaviors they do not tolerate being allowed in other classrooms. These conflicts distract from teaching and learning, for both teachers and students. To reduce such conflict, teachers must build trusting, respectful relationships with each other, regardless of their own personal philosophies, and must come to a collaborative agreement on student behavior expectations, for the good of the students. This requires strong communication skills, as well as the ability to be honest and courageous.

On Friday, February 2, I had the privilege of attending the first of a series of workshops designed to help teachers and youth workers develop the skills it takes to build respectful relationships: Relationship Building Blocks. The workshop was enlivening, challenging, and eminently practical. I highly recommend it to any teacher or youth worker. Relationship Building Blocks will be offered again on Friday, March 23, 9-5, at Riverviews Artspace in Lynchburg, VA. The workshop series, LivingSideBySide®, is a program from Legacy International, a non-profit youth leadership and peacebuilding organization. http://www.legacyintl.org/livingsidebyside/

When school reopens in January, teachers and students can be challenged by the prospect of two to three more months of short days and cold weather. Sometimes the weather means indoor recess for the students and not enough opportunities for gross motor activity, which leads to restless students. Sometimes getting up in the dark to go to work leads to depression in teachers. Students and teachers need to be able to refresh their relationships and start the new calendar year with hope and good cheer. Here are some suggestions for teachers:

Make a list of all you have accomplished with your students so far, September-December. Instead of focusing on what you haven’t done, celebrate what you have achieved. Share appropriate parts of the list with your students, so they can approach the new work with a sense of optimism.

Establish or reestablish a classroom routine that involves personal connection with your students. Perhaps you begin class by greeting them individually, or you send them off at the end of class with an individual good-bye. Perhaps you take a moment at the beginning or end of class to collect yourself and speak directly to the class about how much you care for them and appreciate them.

Set realistic goals for yourself and your students. Instead of thinking about all that must be done before the end of the school year, choose the most important thing to be done this month. Articulate that for yourself and your students, and then make celebrate when your class has accomplished that goal.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, talk about it with a trusted colleague. Schools are filled with caring adults who are great listeners. They won’t “make everything all better,” but they will make you feel understood and appreciated.

If you are interested in pursuing some of these skills, take a look at the February 2 workshop for teachers and youth workers:  http://www.legacyintl.org/livingsidebyside/

Many schools have community service programs. The idea of service to others is appealing to parents who want their children to grow up to be generous. Many parents demonstrate service to their children by volunteering at the hospital, at school, at a soup kitchen, at a food pantry, and by philanthropy.

How can schools truly teach their students to serve? Often the first thought students have when considering the idea of service is to raise money for a charity. This particular kind of service, philanthropy, is relatively easy for many American children to accomplish. They identify the charity they want to support, and then they ask their parents, relatives, friends, and neighbors for a donation. Sometimes they get their parents to bake or help them bake, and then they sell the baked goods. Sometimes they pledge to read books or walk a certain distance in return for contributions. The result is raising funds for programs that the students are excited to support. I would argue, however, that this is only superficial service. A deeper and more meaningful service requires action and personal sacrifice.

I worked for ten years with a master teacher who understood service in a way that goes beyond fund-raising. She took her second grade students to visit the Adult Day Care Center regularly. She took them on the day of the Halloween Parade. She took them with gifts of homemade Valentine’s cards or holiday place-mats. She took them to sing and to perform presentations they had created for school. She made it a habit for them to think about their friends at the center, what those people might enjoy, what would brighten their day. She served her students as much as they served the center, because she showed them that it is important to think of others and not just of ourselves.

Another service project that can be especially meaningful is the “Season of Giving,” in which middle school students identify some activity or action they can do independently that will benefit someone else. Students then commit to performing that action for a certain length of time. At the end of a month, students share their experiences with each other. Some examples of individual projects: raking leaves for a neighbor, taking the trash can down to the street and bringing it back up to the house for a grandparent, writing thank you letters to teachers and coaches, doing chores at home without whining or being reminded, putting up or taking down chairs for a teacher at the end or the start of the day without being asked, picking up trash on the playground, smiling at everyone sincerely and deliberately, starting a conversation with anyone who looks lonely, offering to babysit for no remuneration, bringing in the groceries and putting them away, mowing the grass for a grandparent, weeding the garden – the possibilities are endless, and truly are examples of service to others.

“To be a successful human being is to serve.” – J.E. Rash, founder of Legacy International, the non-profit organization that developed LivingSideBySide®. The LSBS curriculum culminates in student participants working together to envision, design, and execute a service project that will result in a positive change in their community. Students must think of what their project team can do to meet a need in the community. Students are supported by their teachers, but the students are the leaders of the project and are responsible to ensure the project’s success. In this way, LSBS channels the social/emotional and personal knowledge students have gained in the program into action that benefits their entire community.

Parent conferences can be stressful for both parents and teachers, because the conversations are high stakes for everyone. Parents are anxious about their child’s progress and also their parenting reputation. Teachers are anxious about their teaching reputation and about whether parents will be angry if the child is struggling in some area. Both parents and teachers are liable to take any cool feedback very personally. What can teachers do to ensure positive outcomes at parent conference time?

Parents and teachers work together best when they agree on what is best for the child. A good way to begin a conference is to establish that the purpose of the conference is to ensure the best outcome for the child. This is a goal shared by parents and teachers. The teacher can move next to list the child’s personal strengths and successes. Parent anxiety drops significantly when they believe that the teacher knows their child as an individual and appreciates their child’s unique gifts. If the teacher has a concern about an aspect of the child’s performance, it will be easier for parents to hear that concern without becoming defensive, if a ground of mutual respect for the child has already been laid.

If there is a challenge that the child is facing that needs support from adults, parents are reassured if the teacher already has strategies in place or strategies to suggest that parents can put in place at home. Children in school may be having trouble academically or socially, and parents worry about both areas, of course. Sometimes difficulty in one area may be leading to difficulty in the other – always turning independent work in late, for example, may be embarrassing and cause a child to lose social confidence.  Most children wrestle with at least one challenge in school. Some children wrestle with many. An effective parent-teacher conference will address ONE challenge thoroughly (one that the adults deem most deleterious to the child’s success). Listing many challenges can be extremely discouraging, and children can really only work on one challenge at a time. If there are several significant challenges, the teacher might say something like, “I have concerns about a couple of behaviors, and I’d like to work with you and your child on this one first.”

Some student behaviors that interfere with a child’s success and are of concern to teachers and parents:

• Difficulty completing independent work (in school or at home).
• Not remembering or not understanding new information presented in class.
• Losing materials or taking a long time to get ready for the next activity.
• Rushing to complete work, with results that appear hasty or messy.
• Interrupting.
• Daydreaming.
• “Grandstanding” (behaviors that cause all to pay attention to the person engaging in them – singing, shouting, dancing, running, making faces or funny noises – when this causes a disruption to the classroom activity).
• Socializing with friends during instruction.
• Mean teasing or exclusive behavior.
• Not complying with adult requests.

Many reasons exist for these behaviors, and sometimes they appear in clusters. Being precise about the behavior and why it is of concern is the best way to begin building strategies to help the child gain control of the behavior, so it stops interfering with learning. It is very important for teachers and parents to work together on strategies to address a behavior of concern, so that the child gets a consistent message and consistent support. It is also important for the adults to decide how and when to bring the child into the conversation, and will depend on the level of autonomy and independence appropriate to the age of the child.

Teachers and parents will be most successful in working together when they can listen to each other without being defensive. This can be a tremendous challenge.  Teachers who are interested in learning more about themselves and their students tend to be more effective in the realm of parent communication. Knowing that you don’t have all the answers opens you to feedback that may help you work with a family. It also builds trust with parents when you ask for their feedback – what does the child say about school? What happens during the time the child works independently at home? Sometimes the parent and teacher will disagree on what may help a child or on what is contributing to the behavior of concern. A teacher who doesn’t immediately dismiss the parent’s viewpoint may find there is an insight there, even if the parent’s observation or request is unrealistic or unreasonable. When parents believe a teacher knows and cares about their child, they are more willing to listen to teacher concerns with an open mind, and they may discover a teacher’s observation gives them information that they have been unwilling to accept in the past.

The LivingSideBySide® teacher training program includes extensive communications training to help teachers learn how to have a dialogue about difficult issues. For further information, visit the LSBS website:  http://www.legacyintl.org/livingsidebyside/